you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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