Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
