it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
