dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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