You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
