is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
