And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
