I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i believe in u and ur pee
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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