dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
