I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
