I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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