omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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