Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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