you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
