So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
