the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
