Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
