dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
