the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
