A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i think im in europe. pls send help
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
