I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
