Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
