..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
