Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
