she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Text me some of your sweat
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
