If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
