i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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