I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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