We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
