What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
