for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
