He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
