I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
