Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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