just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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