My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
