Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
