I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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