The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
