Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Everclear isn't food dammit
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
