Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
