your thong is hanging out like whoa
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
