Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
