Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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