the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
