whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
