Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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