totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
