I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
