...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
